I have a good friend who sometimes highlights his pet peeve of the day (or "maña del día" in Chilean) on Facebook, and lately I have found myself doing the same thing in my mind. I am going through my day, minding my own business, and when I am confronted with something rather irksome (or "rawther" as Eloise would say), I think to myself "oh, that is sooo going to be my pet peeve of the day". Do you ever do that?
While these observations can be helpful in processing why something bothers you and what you can do about it, it might be a good idea to couple them with observations of what makes you happy. Pet peeve of the day/joy of the day, pet peeve of the day/joy of the day. You get my point. Because focus on the positive we must, although it is not as easily accomplished.
Any who, today I shall share with you (whoever might actually read this post) a big "maña" of mine. A pet peeve of a lifetime that has been irking me for a while, and hopefully by the time I am finished writing I will be able to come up with a "joy" to counteract it. Pay attention, because I have the feeling that this post will bring on life-changing insights. Seriously. I am deep that way. Here we go:
Henry Cho is a Korean-American stand up comedian who was born and raised in Tennessee. He says of himself: "I am an Asian with a southern accent, to a lot of people, that right there is funny".
I searched hi and lo for a video clip of one of his routines that addresses Asian stereotypes but couldn't find it, so a brief description will have to do. In the scene he depicts, he is chatting with a neighbor who says "hey, I know some Japanese people, you should come see them". Cho's response is "well, in that case, I know some fat people, you should come see them". Or something to that effect. Now if you don't see the humor in such exchange of words, let me enlighten you.
One of the ways in which the human mind works is by categorizing objects, events, feelings, foods, experiences, people, etc. Everything must fit in a category somewhere. This makes the process of making sense of things (cognition) faster and more simple. It is a great strategy of the brain, because really, who has time to analyze every single thing, every time. The problem comes when we oversimplify an item for it to fit in one of our ready-made categories. Did you notice that Henry Cho is from Korean descent? Did you notice that the neighbor told him he should meet his friends because they are Japanese?
I had a Japanese college roommate once. She figured that the fact that I was Chilean and not Uruguayan, or Ecuadorian was of very little importance, since "we are all the same". When I tried to explain to her the err of her thinking, she quickly pointed out to me that surely that's how I thought of her as a Japanese girl. Sadly, she was right. I didn't know enough about her Japanese culture in contrast to other Asian cultures, so my whole life I had thrown her and all Asians into the same category. Her closed mindedness about me opened my eyes to my own closed mindedness.
Why did Henry Cho answer with an invitation to meet his fat friends? well, it could have been anything really. Blonde, skinny, short, tall. The fact that somebody fits in one of your categories doesn't override everything else about that person. I mean, if you are blonde then you must be alike all other blonde people. If you are skinny you must love being around just skinny people, because you are all alike. "Oh look at you, you are tall, you should meet my neighbor two houses down the road, I bet you will get along famously!". Aaarggghhh!
Taking it to a more personal level, I struggle with this on a constant basis. I happen to live in a very white community where many if not most people have never had meaningful interaction with other cultures and their awareness about diversity is limited. Please now, don't take me for a jerk. I am only talking about this particular issue, I do not intend in any means to put myself above anybody or belittle anyone. I am simply bringing something to the attention of those who mind.
Here are some of the assumptions I have to constantly deal with. Because I am Chilean, no, even better, because I am from a Spanish speaking country surely I:
-grew up in a small town in the middle of the jungle
-love spicy food
-walked barefoot and picked my meals off of trees
-don't know as much as most everybody else
and my biggest pet peeve of all:
-you must get along with all other people who come from those Spanish speaking countries.
I was talking to an acquaintance once about a Peruvian lady we both sort of knew. I was telling her about the chance I had had to talk to her and get to know her and her story a little better, and about how I thought she was a delightful, amazing person. I truly really like her. But this person I was talking to oversimplified me and the lady from Peru, and brought us both to the ground, just by saying "surely you both got along, since you are both from... you know.... uuhmmmm.... Southamerica". I felt like asking her if she got along with every single gringo she had met. Surely she did, I mean, they are both from ... you know... uhmmmm the United States?
She didn't mean to belittle me or her, she didn't mean to be mean, she didn't mean to make me feel like nothing but a southamerican. She just assumed. And although I don't hold it against her, the thought of people thinking of me or anyone else as the result of belonging to a category makes me so mad, I feel like spitting. Or washing something. Or punching that kickboxing bag.
Couldn't it be possible that I like or feel identified with somebody for more important reasons?
When people are far from what is familiar to them, they tend to flock towards those who are similar to them. So yes, it is nice to find someone I can speak to in Spanish, or who has had experiences similar to mine, but that is not all it takes for me to like someone. If that were all, I would be a simpleton of a person, and that I am not. I am as complicated as it comes, with all it's pros and cons.
I mostly flock towards people who:
- hold principles that I treasure as well.
-have a similar education level (although not always)
-are not judgmental
-are kind
-appreciate what I appreciate
-keep me engaged in conversation
-are funny
-use their brains
-have a heart
-etc, etc, etc
And all of that cannot be constricted to one oversimplified category. There are people of all different walks of life that I know and love. There are more that I would love to get to know, because of who they really are. Because of who I really am.
And here is the worst catch of them all, oversimplifying somebody in order to make him/her fit in a category happens all the time, in all sorts of circumstances, even with the ones we love (as my friend Ann and I discovered):
- Betty is a neat, attentive student? that must be because she is a girl
- James is a rough, loud, rambunctious kid? that's because he is a boy
- David likes the current president of this country? he must be a communist
- Your life is not going well? you must be doing something wrong
- Katie doesn't believe in the same things I do? she must be a heathen
Background, culture, language, beliefs, family, customs, are all factors in the formation of any person. But they don't necessarily describe a person in particular. That needs to be done by the person itself, and we need to be willing to observe and listen. Otherwise, how could you truly like, love or even hate somebody?
I raise my voice to this issue because I believe that everyone is special (except for that guy that cut me off on the freeway, he must be a drunk ;-) ). Everyone deserves a chance to be heard and be recognized for who they really are.
PS: As far as the joy to counteract this peeve, I must say that living here has made me comfortable with being different. I LOVE being different (most of the time), tearing down preconceived notions can be fun sometimes. I am who I am and I will happily "describe" myself to anyone who truly is interested in listening. I also appreciate the fact that my daughters can grow up with the guts to be different too. That, gives me joy.
