Monday,December 26th 2011 was the day my mom shared with us the news of her diagnosis. That was the day my grieving began.
She also opened my eyes to the reality that of all the things in life, the most certain and universal is death, yet it is the one thing that our society is the least prepared for. I knew that was true for me, death did feel so foreign.
Saturday, August 11th my mother passed away, and now that I am grieving her loss I realize how unprepared we are to deal with the emotions and practicalities of death.
Here are a few of my newly acquired insights that I would like to share in case you ever wonder what to do when a friend or relative loses a loved one.. aren't you excited to read on...
#1. If someone you know/appreciate/love is diagnosed with an illness, listen first even if you are knowledgable in the topic, then offer to be of guidance if needed, stay close, and patiently wait to be asked for help.
#2. Consider the following before making a phone call to the family: you will be talking to somebody who is distraught and lacking sleep. Don't call expecting them to emotionally take care of you when it is they who need to be emotionally taken care of. Only call when you are able to offer support and uplift those who are already downtrodden.
#3. When approaching the family during the viewing or the funeral, it is more than safe to assume that they are sad at the very least, so don't ask how they are doing unless you are ready for a long conversation. Don't feel like you have to cheer them up, just tell them that you are sorry for their loss and that you are there to support. The most valued words for me to hear have been simply "I love you".
#4. When you see someone after they have lost a dear one, do address the issue, even if just briefly. Do not pretend nothing happened. If you are a close friend, be willing to listen for a while; talking things through really helps.
#5. Do not be afraid of your friend's crying. It is not your job to make it better, but to be there to hand the tissues.
#6. Don't wait until things are better before talking to a grieving friend/relative. It makes as much sense as waiting for someone to pick him/herself up from a fall before attempting to help. Be there even if you feel like you don't have the right words. You are needed.
#7. Although my experience is still very fresh, I feel it is important that people remember that grieving has no definitive timeline. Don't rush it. Sadness and tears are normal even after things seem to be ok again.
So here I am now, Monday September 4th, reflecting upon my experience with grief so far. It is not pretty, but I can say that at least in my case it is not hopeless either.
The sting is there every time I see a picture of her, remember her smell, think to call her on the phone, or when I hear my 3 year old daughter still praying for her grandma to get better. I feel as if I were lost in space. The sting is there and will be forever, but with the help of family and thoughtful friends I have been able to face each day, one at a time, feeling that I am endowed with the strength to deal with my loss, no matter how messy it gets.
I know I will have a chance to see my mother again, to embrace her and tell her how much I have missed her. Until then, I just have to keep going on with life and make of it the best I can, finding a reason to smile every day. Because that is what she would like me to do.
As a final note, let me share with you one of my favorite cards I have received. It came from a friend whom I really enjoy. Not everything needs to be somber, a little humor when appropriate can go a long way, especially when paired with caring words. It makes me smile every time I look at it. Thanks friend! (notice how I left your name out ;-) )
