About Those Who Care

These past weeks of my life have been incredibly difficult and I have experienced life at it's most raw state. But all things difficult come hand in hand with at least a little bit of good.

A friend  posted this on facebook several days ago and it made me think of all the people who had been so helpful to me/us lately.

 

Here's a list of some of them:

1. The manager in the bank who not only helped us with my mom's account, but took the time to talk to me about her and encouraged me to be brave and loving. 

2. The lady who does the cleaning in my parents' house and went above and beyond, making my mom feel loved and cared for and helping me feel at ease in a home that is my home, but not really.

3. My amazing friend Isabel who came to visit my mom while in the hospital and kept me company then and when she passed away. 

4. All the people who have helped take care of my girls back home. Also those who have provided meals for them.

5. Damon's cousin who has helped us get here and back with his airline passes.

6. Friends who send me encouraging messages that make me feel like I can actually face this music and live through it.

7. The ladies from church who provided us with meals and comfort food during those tough first days.

8. My cousin Paola who came from far away to rescue me.

9. My cousin Pedro who has taken me under his wing.

10. My aunts. Oh, my aunts. My mothers.

11. The CNA who was so tender with my mom when everything was still scary and confusing.

12. The pain management doctor. He truly cared for her well- being and each one of his words and suggestions showed it.

13. My friend Paula, who has managed to contact me right at the critical moments when I have needed her help ever since my mom was diagnosed.

The list is longer, but you get the idea.

I will forever remember these days for the hard trial that they have been, but also for the way in which God has manifested himself through these and many other people who have been a blessing, who have been a friend, who have been encouraging and have taken the time to care. People whose words have always been uplifting and full of healing.

I feel like there is a strength that is not mine, that has taken me by the hand and guided me through these days. There is a strength that is beyond me that has lifted me up, carried me and dried my tears.

Each one of us, every day, is given the chance to be a blessing to others. It is our choice to take the chance and use it up. I have been the recipient of such blessings brought on by others and hope to have learned to do the same to those who stand in need.

About Hard Times

If I ever thought I had gone through something hard, I was wrong. I had never gone through this before.
Watching my mom struggle during her last days has been heartbreaking. Her mind seems to be slipping and I don't always recognize her and she doesn't respond to bonding moments the way she used to.

I feel like she has already left me and a strange feeling of betrayal creeps in. But I left her first and I wonder if she belt betrayed by me when I did.

I dislike regret because it shows what could/should have been different when there is little or nothing left to be done about it. So in vain I try not to regret having built my life so far away from her. I know I missed out, I know my girls missed out, I know she missed out. I know now, but I didn't see it then. Damn regret.

I have been learning more about my mother than ever before, with her friends and sisters (what would I do without them right now) as my teachers. I doubt I will ever measure up to her, but I can learn from her courage when faced with a tough challenge and charity towards everyone. Oh, and that feistiness.

I have been living each minute of my days here certain that I will remember them forever. These days will mark the rest of my life with places, sounds, faces, voices, words and feelings that will carry a sting and the memory of these last days with my mother.
Things are hard right now and harder times are coming. Somehow I will celebrate the good and be brave for whatever may come, regrets and all.


I suppose this is a  great big Maña del Día post, so I shall end it with a Joy of the Day:
Music.
Listening to music is what has carried my mother through these days. It's what has carried me through these past months. Thank goodness for it.