About Hard Times

If I ever thought I had gone through something hard, I was wrong. I had never gone through this before.
Watching my mom struggle during her last days has been heartbreaking. Her mind seems to be slipping and I don't always recognize her and she doesn't respond to bonding moments the way she used to.

I feel like she has already left me and a strange feeling of betrayal creeps in. But I left her first and I wonder if she belt betrayed by me when I did.

I dislike regret because it shows what could/should have been different when there is little or nothing left to be done about it. So in vain I try not to regret having built my life so far away from her. I know I missed out, I know my girls missed out, I know she missed out. I know now, but I didn't see it then. Damn regret.

I have been learning more about my mother than ever before, with her friends and sisters (what would I do without them right now) as my teachers. I doubt I will ever measure up to her, but I can learn from her courage when faced with a tough challenge and charity towards everyone. Oh, and that feistiness.

I have been living each minute of my days here certain that I will remember them forever. These days will mark the rest of my life with places, sounds, faces, voices, words and feelings that will carry a sting and the memory of these last days with my mother.
Things are hard right now and harder times are coming. Somehow I will celebrate the good and be brave for whatever may come, regrets and all.


I suppose this is a  great big Maña del Día post, so I shall end it with a Joy of the Day:
Music.
Listening to music is what has carried my mother through these days. It's what has carried me through these past months. Thank goodness for it.